Being Cool with My Deepest Fear
3/18/2005
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X called me today to discuss some non-hypnosis things I’m helping her with. Interthreaded were various hypnosis comments
She liked the “what I am not” posting. She noted that while there is much in there I do not like, there is some I do. I later discovered that she had not read this morning’s revisions to that posting where I added a bit more about where X, B, and I seem to stand with respect to some of those statements.
She thinks she pretty much “gets me” and she may be right. If so and if she is cool with it then that is really cool. I’m somewhat out there with this kink/fetish but in a harmless way.
She drew an analogy to somebody with a foot fetish (not a trait of mine, by the way). They may be married and committed but still look at feet, and if kept within bounds it is harmless and possibly even relieving.
If she does understand and is cool with it, it actually reduces the biggest risk to me from my surrendering the way I do. It is probably hard for most readers to understand, but I do not see the risk as being what X or B might direct me to do while under, or in how what the implant might influence me afterwards. I trust their intentions, we are being cautious about unintentional carryovers into my normal life, and I’m not fragile. The fear I have is that I’ll be found to be just to weird/out there and rejected because of it. I can and do control my behavior and respect boundaries but my desire to surrender is what it is. It is vulnerable to expose this side of me and to be rejected because of it would hurt. I’d deal with it as I really am quite strong, but it would not be pleasant. When I post one of these very honest descriptions and get a “call me” email afterwards, my first thought is that I’ve shown myself to be too weird in some regard and I’m going to lose this very hard to find outlet. So her understanding me and being cool with it would be really cool.
X stated that I am lucky to have found X and B with their understanding and complimentary attitudes. Similarly, X may have been lucky to have found me as I’m causing positive changes in other aspects of her life. I agree, this is a mutually beneficial relationship that defies all odds. Folks, this stuff is hard to find – I know that. And now I‘ve found it in my backyard.
She said that she and B have some interesting things in store for me. I didn’t ask what these were as part of this is my not over planning things. I’ll find out what they have in mind when they are ready.
What if I don’t like it? That is always possible but then I’d just ask for it to not be repeated. Every session cannot be better than the prior one, and there will be some duds in there now and then. I understand this and have given them repeated and explicit permission to explore and learn. I’ll probably like almost all of it, and so will they.
She liked the “what I am not” posting. She noted that while there is much in there I do not like, there is some I do. I later discovered that she had not read this morning’s revisions to that posting where I added a bit more about where X, B, and I seem to stand with respect to some of those statements.
She thinks she pretty much “gets me” and she may be right. If so and if she is cool with it then that is really cool. I’m somewhat out there with this kink/fetish but in a harmless way.
She drew an analogy to somebody with a foot fetish (not a trait of mine, by the way). They may be married and committed but still look at feet, and if kept within bounds it is harmless and possibly even relieving.
If she does understand and is cool with it, it actually reduces the biggest risk to me from my surrendering the way I do. It is probably hard for most readers to understand, but I do not see the risk as being what X or B might direct me to do while under, or in how what the implant might influence me afterwards. I trust their intentions, we are being cautious about unintentional carryovers into my normal life, and I’m not fragile. The fear I have is that I’ll be found to be just to weird/out there and rejected because of it. I can and do control my behavior and respect boundaries but my desire to surrender is what it is. It is vulnerable to expose this side of me and to be rejected because of it would hurt. I’d deal with it as I really am quite strong, but it would not be pleasant. When I post one of these very honest descriptions and get a “call me” email afterwards, my first thought is that I’ve shown myself to be too weird in some regard and I’m going to lose this very hard to find outlet. So her understanding me and being cool with it would be really cool.
My biggest fear is my kink being discovered and being rejected because of it,
X knows my kink and accepts it.
My biggest secret is safe with X and I am safe from what most I fear.
That's cool.
X knows my kink and accepts it.
My biggest secret is safe with X and I am safe from what most I fear.
That's cool.
X stated that I am lucky to have found X and B with their understanding and complimentary attitudes. Similarly, X may have been lucky to have found me as I’m causing positive changes in other aspects of her life. I agree, this is a mutually beneficial relationship that defies all odds. Folks, this stuff is hard to find – I know that. And now I‘ve found it in my backyard.
She said that she and B have some interesting things in store for me. I didn’t ask what these were as part of this is my not over planning things. I’ll find out what they have in mind when they are ready.
What if I don’t like it? That is always possible but then I’d just ask for it to not be repeated. Every session cannot be better than the prior one, and there will be some duds in there now and then. I understand this and have given them repeated and explicit permission to explore and learn. I’ll probably like almost all of it, and so will they.
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