Ongoing Surrender

Some basic self-observations

• I fundamentally like the concept of she commands and I obey.
• I like the concept that this surrender is an ongoing thing.
• I like the concept of “reach out and control someone” – that she might issue an unexpected compulsive instruction for therapeutic reasons, to relax me or remind me that I can and will relax this deeply again, or just because she is feeling playful.

We seem to be heading to a more waking surrender. Once I felt this way only when I was very passive, so much so that I was losing feelings in my body. Then I became able to talk more about it. Recently I was sitting up and talking for an extended period and doing so with an openness and honesty that most people rarely have, but I had due to this deep surrender. And last time I had a cool period of awake hypnosis where I seemed to be awake and formed thoughts of my own imitative, but was still completely responsive to her.

It would be cool to explore the awake hypnosis further and to further explore the concept that I’m always in her control to some degree.

One interesting experiment would be to receive the “letting go” instructions and X’s variants while in an awake hypnosis. Normally when I’m being commanded I freeze and probably close my eyes. To combat this, X could order me to keep my eyes open and to keep them focused (on an object or by maintaining eye contact) and to audibly repeat each suggestion and to add to it or to give my impressions of it. I might “trance out” and go passive from such an activity but if she can keep me engaged I might end up in a state that is both profoundly and deeply under her control and also able to be mentally and physically engaged.

It would also be cool to get worked out what is my ongoing between sessions level of surrender to her. I fret somewhat when there is ambiguity as my nature is to strive for ambiguity resolution. Getting firm hypnotic clarification and reinforcement of the ongoing relationship would be sweet.

It would also be nice to get clarification as to where B stands, whether I'll go as deep for B as for X and whether I have an ongoing surrender to B.

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